ABSOLUTE WORST

Name: That One

Barely qualifies as a bathroom. If you’re in and out before you need to breathe and don’t touch anything in its usable 66% of stalls, it’s not so bad.

Rating: 0/10. That swinging wooden door is the gate to Hell.

ABSOLUTE BEST

Name: 0th-Floor, across from the girls’ locker room

Usually empty, the perfect place for un-self-conscious changing before sports, and swathed in soothing blue with unassuming fluffy clouds across the painted walls, it’s quite possible that this lovely gal is in an entirely separate liminal space from the rest of the school. This theory is reinforced by the school’s sole tampon machine, which sits a broken but shiny box upon the sky. Let’s be honest. This bathroom is to the other bathrooms what Ratatouille is to cinema.

Rating: 9.7/10. Just writing this fills me with calm, though there is some weird writing in one stall.

WORST-TO-BEST: THE REST

Name: 1st floor, across from the musician mural in the music/gym wing

A few toilets have been covered up with trash bags since my freshman year, it always faintly smells like [redacted] and I always go to the faucet that you have to hold on with one hand while you wash the other, which defeats the entire purpose of washing your hands because you just re-germ one. Despite this, there are nicely spaced mirror/sinks, a good amount of stalls, and a few up-high windows letting in a bit of (unnecessary) light.

Rating: 3/10. Good plan, poor execution.

Name: 2nd floor, closest to the lobby and set deep into the green wall

If you want to avoid That One, this one’s your go-to. A few ℉ above the rest of the floor, with unique glazed windows of rounded-rectangular panes (that are sometimes allowing in fresh air!!) numerous buttermilk-y stalls with toilet seats so low you might as well be sitting on the floor, and a special area behind the stalls only the experienced can Unlock– I really thought that by the end of this sentence I’d be able to conclude something, but I can’t. This bathroom is full of contradictions and is subject only to subjectivity.

Rating: 5/10. Better than “That One”, I guess?

Name: 3rd floor bio wing

Just like the new wing, this bathroom is clean beneath its student artwork. It rarely breaks down, has hot/cold sinks that don’t spray or dribble, and the largest complaint I can come up with is that I have to bow to drink from the low water fountain outside, which has frustratingly nice water.

Rating: 6/10. The student poetry stanzas lend some personality, but this room and its neutral aesthetic just aren’t on the level of the 0th-floor bathroom.

Name: 2nd floor, Close to the nurse’s and between English and Chemistry rooms

There’s something about the large, sunny space that gives this bathroom a sparkling sensation, even if it’s actually average. It’s got normal stalls and working sinks, it supplies full meals from random food left on the ground, and it’s chock-full of memories. At the ripe time of 7:21 and the tender age of fourteen, I was a wee freshman doing my bun in that bathroom’s mirror. A senior I never spoke to but admired greatly for her aesthetic was doing her makeup a sink away, and there were girls in the handicapped stall, doing a comparing and contrasting activity about last night’s juuling in so and so’s car as opposed to the juuling at his house. The senior and I made nonplussed eye contact, smiled, and went our separate ways…. and I never saw her again, until the next time I probably saw her in the hallway or something.

Rating 8/10. Thanks for the memories.