In a watershed moment for democracy in the United States, incumbent Democrat Christine Vitale defeated Republican Tony Hwang in last Tuesday’s special election to become the First Selectperson of Fairfield.
Unofficial totals indicate that Vitale carried 9,598 votes, beating out Hwang by roughly 2,000. In total, more than 17,000 voters Pokemon-went-to-the-polls. Among those ballots were some unique write-in votes; we’ve polled the poll workers, and the standouts are listed here.
Although the First Selectperson race was not nearly as hotly contested as the senior superlative elections at FLHS, Tuesday still saw notable participation from the high school-age population. Dr. Hatzis won eighteen votes. Swing voters were split between Frankie Falcon and Frankie Falcon’s existential threat, the new Chick-fil-A on Post Road. A further six ballots went to “a printer.”
Alleged non-president Al Gore garnered healthy representation among the write-ins. Interestingly, his running mate, former senator from Connecticut Joe Lieberman, got no love. State authorities are not compelled to investigate emerging reports of miscounted “hanging chads” at this time.
One ballot read “KAMALA,” as printed, in all capital letters. So much ink was used in penning the name that it was visibly raised off of the paper.
Seven men between the ages of 39 and 54 voted for “Tom from golf.” The trend is emblematic of those deep friendships being forged at the country clubs surrounding our humble beach town.
Thirty-eight locals voted for, in these exact words, “That smug little dolphin from the Nauti logo. I haven’t ordered pizza from there in five years, but I see his smirk every time I close my eyes, and I’ve decided that he charms me.”
We end with a quiet sort of revolution told from the ground: While they waited in line, a handful of refugees (read: disgruntled former New Yorkers) shared their stories. Many of them were recently forced out of their $5,000/month apartments in the Upper East Side by the “incoming Mamdani regime.” They relocated to Fairfield last month, and they planned to cast their votes for Curtis Sliwa.
