A massive floating orb of alien matter manifested in John F. Kennedy International Airport over the weekend to inform winding lines of travelers that wait times would be resolved “when the prophecy is fulfilled.”
The entity, which appeared to make announcements to everyone in the airport simultaneously by accessing their thoughts, promised that “an inexorable chain of events which will liberate your mortal populace from the Transportation Security Administration has already been set into motion. Nothing can be done to prevent its conclusion.”
The appearance of the orb comes within a week of TSA workers receiving their first $0 paycheck due to a month-long partial government shutdown. Congress is withholding funds from the Department of Homeland Security, which in turn oversees and funds the TSA. Thanks, Obama.
We asked people around the airport if they felt threatened by the creature-slash-amalgam of matter otherwise squandered on lesser beings.
“It doesn’t bother me,” one traveler told us.
“This whole telepathy thing is not a two-way street. It can’t read our minds, right?” He looked over his shoulder conspicuously. “Right?”
Mr. Cosmic Being arrived to JFK shortly before a legion of ICE agents, whom President Trump deployed to airports on Monday in order to ease national staffing shortages and also to take names.
“We’ve tried to deport it nine times now,” said one agent, watching the orb from behind a riot shield. “The problem is, whenever we tell it to go back to where it came from, it says that we need to ‘have patience’ because ‘the human lifespan is an inconsequential blip in the scale of the cosmos and we’re all going to meet our maker in a relative microsecond.’”
“Did you see the last episode of The Pitt?” added another agent, gravely shaking his head. “Terrible.”
Before they begin working, Transportation Security Officers are required to complete a standardized 3-week training program at the TSA Academy. They must maintain their certifications through continuous education and evaluations. Their specialized knowledge of aviation security ensures the safety of everyone who passes through the airport.
ICE employees learned of the order that would deploy them to airports when CNN first reported it four days ago. They are officially designated as an invasive species by the supervisors of their new habitat.
During our visit to the airport, we observed that the orb appeared to be on a strict biological clock which caused it to emit ominous wooshing noises every 11 minutes.
One frustrated traveler began marching up to the help desk, nearly tripped when her rolling suitcase became stuck on a chair leg, liberated the suitcase, and continued marching up to the help desk. She demanded, “Are you going to do something about that?”
“I’m not paid enough for this,” sighed the lone TSO left standing in Terminal 4.
